Cancer II

Writings of the lonely...

misery is what i feel...

Summer
Cancer II
mymisery

It's been a decent summer, I'm just bored shitless the past week. I want to see Scott but he's at the height of his busy season, so I don't get to see him much or even talk to him for that much. He calls while driving between jobs or getting lunch. I miss him. It's hard when you are in a new relationship and you don't have a lot of contact. People are trying to make me think he's doing other things but he is a genuinely decent person, I can't really see that happening.

I went to Niagara with Shawna and family. They stay at Great Wolf Lodge every year. Wow is that an elaborate hotel and expensive. We spent the first day in the hotel, hanging by the waterpark and outdoor pool. The second day we went to Safari Niagara. I've been there before and the place always impresses me. The third day we went to Clifton Hill, did the Maid of the Mist, the arcade and did dinner. It was Sasha's actual birthday so we went to Montana's. the last day we hung around the outdoor pool and bought stuff from the gift shop, etc.
I went to The Package Tour with NKOTB, Boyz II Men and 98 Degrees. It was good, a throwback to my teenage years. Boyz II Men gave out roses to the women up front but because I was in the accessible section, I got one too, well all the able challenged did!
I have Wham Bam coming up soon and I'm hoping Scott can come with me. I'll bring my mom if I have too but I would rather spend the day with Scott, we need the time together.
I don't know why I bothered writing? I'm really not up to it tonight. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.

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Coming to an end
Cancer II
mymisery

Well July is almost over. It's usually my busy month with my birthday and all. It still was busy but I think August will be worse.

Today I had my PFT test at Toronto General Hsp and I never knew there was a whole food court on the ground floor!! There was Druxys, Subway, Hero Burger, Wing Machine, Mega Wraps, Bagel and Co, some Sushi place, Booster Juice, Tutti Frutti and a salad place and soup place, not to mention a Timmies AND Starbucks! I grabbed my usual at Starbucks and a sub from Subway. It's all free because they gave me my $25 for attending. Tomorrow I am going to the bank and then grocery shopping, Saturday ill probably spend packing for my trip to Niagara with Shawna and family. Also Sunday is the NKOTB concert! I'm quite excited! New Kids was my first ever concert back in the day but this one is cool because of Boyz II Men! It's just so, full circle. I also just bought tickets for Kiss 92s Wham Bam. The acts are Avril Lavigne, Robin Thicke, Classified, Shawn Desman, Nicky Williams and one other band. It should be a decent night. I'm trying to get Scott to go with me, if not ill bring Sasha. Next week is Sasha's birthday. We will be spending it at Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara. It should be a good trip. But August, I'll be doing a photo shoot for Crystals baby and the family, Trish's kids shoot, moms denture appt, physio twice a week, hopefully a splash pad with Tati, the wham bam concert, the CNE and trying to figure out if I can go to work part time in September. There could be more but who knows! Ok I better get to sleep, I have to get up early!!

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It shouldn't be like this...
Cancer II
mymisery

I'm bummed today. I shouldn't be but I am. So I'm 'seeing' Scott. I mean, we haven't made anything official but ya. I'm just so screwed up emotionally. I've never had any real self esteem and I've never had a serious relationship. I mean my closest thing to a relationship was Patrick. He was my first love and he just skewed my whole outlook on love. I know how I should be treated but it's like I just accept any attention because of my low self esteem. I mean, I know that what Patrick and I had was nothing close to conventional but I accepted it. Now, being almost 40, I don't know how to have a real relationship. I hear from Scott daily, text message wise, but he seems to have all the control on when we speak. I haven't asked him why, mind you, I haven't had much of a chance. We haven't had the chance to just sit and talk. It almost like he wants it that way. I hate that I'm trying to over analyze this whole situation. I want to know and I think I should know but I don't want to look to pushy either. My birthday is Friday and Scott knows this. I keep trying to see if we are doing anything but he doesn't answer me, so if we don't, I might have to reevaluate everything. *god I hate this*

Well let me see what I've done lately. The Canada Day weekend, Saturday I went to the Zoo with Shawna, Kayla and Cyril. I got to use her zoom lense. Hmm think I mentioned all this? Well this past week, on Friday, I had an appointment to give blood. I'm O- and I just feel I should. I went to Albion Center and went through the whole process you need to go through for them to tell me I need permission from my family doctor because of the whole coma and everything. They want to make sure I'm healthy before I donate. Then Saturday was my birthday party at Shawnas. We had a bbq, it was fun. The kids had a blast and I got to see friends, that's all that mattered. The Sunday I went to Yonge Dundas Square for the Fuller Women Expo. They had a fashion show and some vendors. It was cool but I thought a lot more would have happened down there. It was a very hot day and I started to feel sick after a couple hours. I got burnt but all was good.
Tomorrow I am going out to lunch with Patrick and Cheryl. He's taking me for my birthday but I almost don't want to see him. He brings up too much shit emotionally for me. He doesn't value me enough as a friend to fight for me, why should I bother. Oh and what I mean is, he was supposed to come to my birthday party but his girlfriend doesn't like me because Patrick and I have a past. But she doesn't realize he is basically family but she keeps him away from that too. He needs to grow some balls.
Well I hope Scott chooses to see me this weekend or I may have to reevaluate whatever we may have. God I hate life sometimes.

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Past week...
Cancer II
mymisery

I've had a fairly busy week. Tuesday was my rescheduled date with Scott. I ended up taking the TTC there. It wasn't so bad. The buses were ok and the subway ride was fine. I got there almost an hour earlier than I thought. It was ok, gave me time to go to the bathroom and stuff. I waited out front for him. The theatre was packed! I know it was Tuesday and all that but holy. Scott arrived at 6:45pm and we went inside and got in line. We ended up seeing World War Z 3-D. Scott paid, which was sweet, then went to get food. Well I got food. I hadn't eaten all day so I got chicken fingers. Scott just got a drink. The movie was good. I like that Scott and I are very comfortable with each other. Afterwards he sat with me outside til just before my ride came. He had to get up early and his mother was bugging for him to come home already. It was a good night.

Thursday I went to the final cast taping of 1 Girl 5 Gays. I've watched that show for the past four years. They already got rid of Aliya-Jasmin and brought in a new host but now they are getting rid of the entire original cast and bringing in a whole new cast! I can understand bringing in fresh blood but do it slowly. Slowly get rid of the old guys and being in new. I hope they don't kill the show that way. Anyways, I was suppose to be there for 7pm and go ask for Scott. I was there early and went across the street to Starbucks. I got my usual venti double chocolatey chip frapp with whip cream and an oat fudge bar. I sat in front of Much Music and call my father quickly. While I'm on the phone with him, Yerxa walks by. I said hi to him and he said, 'hello love.' Afterwards I saw Gerry come out. I said hi to him as well. He went to get something to eat and he came back and asked my name and shook my hand. After he went inside. I saw that it was 6:45pm and decided to go on. When I got to the door, I saw that Ian Lynch was coming out. Before I had the chance to do anything, he opened the door, he had a huge smile on his face and he said, 'oh my god, so glad you could make it' and he wrapped his arms around me. I was almost assuming that he mistook me for someone else until he said my name. 'Great to see you Cheryl' I just looked at him and said, 'I'm shocked you know who I am.' He said, 'Of course I do.'
I was shocked. I have never met him before. I do have him on Facebook and I've messaged him once, telling him I was praying for his mom, whose cancer had returned. I never thought he would know who I was, let alone recognize me in public. Scott comes down and gives me a wristband and the 2 other girls that were there as well. Because of my 'disability' I got to sit in the front row. He took us inside and we sat in our seats. I looked at the back and saw Ian standing there with his twin brother, Nolan. Next thing you know, Nolan was waving at me. I waved back. The only way I knew Nolan was through Ian, obviously and Instagram. We waited a bit and then the guys were outside. They were making them walk a red carpet. I saw Ian and when he saw me, he waved again. Then I saw Gerry and he waved at me too. I felt so special. The show was a blast. Afterwards we got to talk to the guys and take pictures. I got one with my fave Dillon and ones with Juan, Ish, Yetxa etc. I saw Ian and his brother on stage and decided to go over. Ian had his arms around 2 girls posing for a picture when he saw me standing there and said, 'Cheryl, just stay there, I'll come see you in a minute.' When he was done he came over and hugged me again and thanked me for the support with his mother. Nolan came over and took our picture then Nolan came down and hugged me too. I got my picture with him as well. When it was all over, I sat outside for my ride and they are all waving at me from their rides and saying goodbye beautiful. It was an awesome night!

Saturday Shawna and I went to the Zoo with her daughter Kayla and her nephew Cyril. I got to use her zoom lense. It was great using it. I got some great shots! She never charged her camera and it died in 2 minutes. The walking killed me. Then I noticed they now rent electric wheelchairs! I wish I knew, I would've rented one!!

Today I went to the Pride Parade. Every year I end up leaving early cause I keep getting heat stroke. This year I was super prepared and still left a few minutes early because my stomach was so upset. Damn Second Cup has one washroom for everyone! There was a damn woman in there shooting up. She looked so wasted! Also she left blood droplets on the floor. Ewwww! I got burned of course. Big huge X on my back!

It's crazy!! Well tomorrow I finally get to sleep in. I haven't heard from Scott in two days. I think he went away for the weekend. My eyes are getting heavy, time for bed!

Happy Canada Day!!!

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Nervous
Cancer II
mymisery

So tomorrow is my rescheduled date with Scott. I booked wheeltrans like a week ago and they still don't have a ride for me. Crazy! They have my return booked, just no way to get there, SO I am going to attempt to take the TTC. I have to go to stations with elevators and my walker is big. I'm a little paranoid but the GO train was easy. We shall see.
The humidity this weekend was horrible! I literally was soaked in my house Saturday and told my uncle to please put the A/C in. Now the A/C is in and I am frozen!! I turned the temp down and everything. Grrr can't win. Lol
Well I'm off to shower and shave and all that good stuff for tomorrow.

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Date #2
Cancer II
mymisery

So today should be a bit busy. I have physio at 2:30pm, I'll be home just after 5pm and I'll have to get ready to go out with Scott. We are going to the movies. I'm assuming we are still going. I told him he would have to come get me because he didn't give me time to book wheeltrans. He wants to go to the theatre at Eglinton Town Center. I have no clue what we are seeing. There is like four movies playing there that he wants to see.

Since I came home I've been dealing with my uncle and mother acting like children. My mother has been having tantrums. I don't think her medication is working anymore. I'll have to get her checked.

It will be a busy week. Physio and movies today, physio Wednesday, Shawnas on Thursday, Zoo on Sunday! I also think Patrick is coming to my birthday this year. That will be a miracle in itself. I enjoy hanging with Pat but he's an asshole. It will be interesting with Scott being there too. I've been telling people I'm seeing Scott. We aren't official but I am still 'seeing' him. Sounds better than dating. Well I was up early because I was asleep just after 7pm and was up at 9am. I'll update tomorrow if I end up going out.

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Finally, a boyfriend!
Cancer II
mymisery

So I met a guy named Scott off Plenty of Fish. He's a great guy. I talked to him a couple weeks before we met. We just met at a Tim Hortons in Scarborough. I actually met his mother too. Weird right? But I am actually okay with it. She wanted to talk to me about gastric bypass. She is a big woman and was supposed to get it done but chickened out. I tried to reassure her about it. She told me I was very pretty. Scott bought me ice cream. I was dying for the cold stone creamery brownie sundae and he got it for me. He still texts me every morning, saying good morning and wishing me a good day or hoping I slept well. He upgraded today from saying good morning Cheryl to good morning sweetie. I have a feeling we are going to be in a relationship it's just not official yet. We already act like we are in one. I'm excited for a real relationship. I like that he doesn't care about my size or anything else. It's refreshing.
I'm at my dads trailer right now. Loving that I'm spending time with my dad but hate that I'm missing Scott. Sad but true. I've talked to him yesterday and today.
My dad, Susan and I went to Walmart and food basics yesterday. Susan bought me a long skirt and water shoes.
Today we went to Seaway Mall and Walmart again then we went to drive around Niagara after dinner. In Seaway Mall there was a cat adoption place and it was a store front filled with cats. I was petting them all. One started licking my fingers so I put my face up to the cage and she started licking my nose. I wish I could've taken them all home. One of the kittens looked like Lily. So damn adorable.
Tomorrow I go home. We are leaving late morning because we are going straight to Toronto to bring me home, then my dad has to go back to Burlington.
I'm going to see if Scott and I can go to the movies next Saturday. I'm going to go to the zoo on the Sunday then the following weekend I am going to the zoo with Shawna and the kids and the Sunday is Pride. I'm figuring I'm going to Shawnas on Canada Day. Maybe Scott can come too. Ahh well, time to relax.

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Crazy days...
Cancer II
mymisery

Where to start? Well I went to the Autism Speaks fundraiser last week. It was nice. It was good to see everyone. I got pictures with Cheryl and I love how I look with my teeth. I'm finding it hard to smile naturally. It's so forced! Here is the pic of the Cheryl's!

I love it!!! Anyways, Joaquin never showed up. I knew he was working and he was going to leave as soon as possible. Well he never came and hasnt contacted me since. I sent him a message saying he was a coward, etc. I deleted him off my Skype. Since then I've been talking to a guy named Scott. He is SO nice. I was suppose to meet him yesterday except Sunday I decided to get my eyebrows waxed. My friend has been bugging me to do it. I decided why not and went. It went ok, it burned a bit but was fine. Around my eyes was a bit red plus even a little itchy. I thought that was normal. Ya, who knew? I woke up with my eyelids swelled shut!! They were huge. So I had a major allergic reaction to, what I am assuming, was the gel/cream they put on after to cool the skin.

It was horrible! The swelling has gone down but the itchiness?? OMG so horrible!! Even this morning my one eyelid was huge.

Scary isn't it? They fast tracked me before anyone. Fastest ER visit ever!
Scott was at the hospital with his mom today. Crazy stuff. I'm glad he called me again. He is so sweet. I wake up to good morning messages every day. He's started to call me sweetie. We will hopefully meet soon!! So excited!

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Teeth
Cancer II
mymisery

So I finally have my dentures! The denturist was right, it felt like I had a mouth full of marbles. They felt real weird at first but I'm really starting to enjoy my smile!

Joaquin, my date on Saturday, was MIA all weekend. I figured he went to his friends cottage, like he said he might but yesterday he was online on Skype almost all day. I would say hello with no reply. After a while it would go to away then offline then back online again. I really felt like he was ignoring me. He sent me a message this morning saying his moms flight for Friday was cancelled and he was making other arrangements and he would talk to me soon. I'm just hoping that's the truth. I am hoping I'm not stood up on Saturday.

My brother is on leave from the army. I got to see him. I love that kid. He is being deployed back to Afghanistan when he goes back. I hate when he goes there. He is also being promoted. He will now be Major Cpl Fisher.

He's so dark, he's like a black man! Lol
Alright, I'm going to go relax, get ready for my date Saturday. Do my nails and all that good stuff. Here's my fave pic with teeth so far.

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This week....
Cancer II
mymisery
I am writing because I am feeling crappy and I don't want to. Every time I like someone, I get clingy. I can't do that. I don't want to screw this up before it even starts. I haven't heard from Joaquin in about 3 days. I haven't seen him online at all. More than likely he ended up going to his friends cottage. He originally said he was going to stay in the city but I am glad if he went away. I need this distance to pull myself together. I start thinking stupid thoughts. I automatically assume he doesn't want anything to do with me, that he will cancel Saturday. But in all reality, I have to think of the good things he has said during our conversations. When I said that it had been a while since I had a connection like this with someone, he said he agreed, same with him. He also said he was excited for Saturday. So, I need to remember those words. I am the one that starts thinking all this negative stuff and it gets to me. I need to be happy. I am getting my teeth this week, my little brother is home and I have this fundraiser on Saturday, in which I am meeting Joaquin for the first time. I also found out that Ray and Betty are going and who knows, maybe Andrew will go too. My family and friends together and me, with a date! Me? I think they are right when they say, if you think positive, your life will be positive. If you think negatively, negative will come. I hated living in the negative. It was the worst thing ever. All I have been is positive after everything I have been through and things seem to be going my way. I almost died, I've been given a second chance at life and I want to live it to the fullest. The positive is working for me and I want it to stay that way.
I went to the Zoo on Friday and because I am a member, we got early admission to see the Pandas, Er Shun and Da Mao. They are amazing animals. I was worried about my photo skills but I did really well. My eye is still there just I can't get as close to some subjects as I want. I am almost hoping to get my income tax this year so I can get my zoom lense. That would help me with a lot of my issues with my photography. I hope I can get some good shots with everyone going to the fundraiser. I'm excited to see Cheryl and everyone. Eek!! Okay I am excited again.
I think I am just going to go lay in bed and listen to tunes, keep myself occupied.

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