Cancer II

Writings of the lonely...

misery is what i feel...

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It shouldn't be like this...
Cancer II

I'm bummed today. I shouldn't be but I am. So I'm 'seeing' Scott. I mean, we haven't made anything official but ya. I'm just so screwed up emotionally. I've never had any real self esteem and I've never had a serious relationship. I mean my closest thing to a relationship was Patrick. He was my first love and he just skewed my whole outlook on love. I know how I should be treated but it's like I just accept any attention because of my low self esteem. I mean, I know that what Patrick and I had was nothing close to conventional but I accepted it. Now, being almost 40, I don't know how to have a real relationship. I hear from Scott daily, text message wise, but he seems to have all the control on when we speak. I haven't asked him why, mind you, I haven't had much of a chance. We haven't had the chance to just sit and talk. It almost like he wants it that way. I hate that I'm trying to over analyze this whole situation. I want to know and I think I should know but I don't want to look to pushy either. My birthday is Friday and Scott knows this. I keep trying to see if we are doing anything but he doesn't answer me, so if we don't, I might have to reevaluate everything. *god I hate this*

Well let me see what I've done lately. The Canada Day weekend, Saturday I went to the Zoo with Shawna, Kayla and Cyril. I got to use her zoom lense. Hmm think I mentioned all this? Well this past week, on Friday, I had an appointment to give blood. I'm O- and I just feel I should. I went to Albion Center and went through the whole process you need to go through for them to tell me I need permission from my family doctor because of the whole coma and everything. They want to make sure I'm healthy before I donate. Then Saturday was my birthday party at Shawnas. We had a bbq, it was fun. The kids had a blast and I got to see friends, that's all that mattered. The Sunday I went to Yonge Dundas Square for the Fuller Women Expo. They had a fashion show and some vendors. It was cool but I thought a lot more would have happened down there. It was a very hot day and I started to feel sick after a couple hours. I got burnt but all was good.
Tomorrow I am going out to lunch with Patrick and Cheryl. He's taking me for my birthday but I almost don't want to see him. He brings up too much shit emotionally for me. He doesn't value me enough as a friend to fight for me, why should I bother. Oh and what I mean is, he was supposed to come to my birthday party but his girlfriend doesn't like me because Patrick and I have a past. But she doesn't realize he is basically family but she keeps him away from that too. He needs to grow some balls.
Well I hope Scott chooses to see me this weekend or I may have to reevaluate whatever we may have. God I hate life sometimes.



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