Cancer II

Writings of the lonely...

misery is what i feel...

Teeth!!
Cancer II
mymisery

Well I've started my denture process. This is going to be so weird. I haven't had a full set of real teeth since I was like umm 7? Because of my disease they were always brown and crumbly. So I did the impressions on Monday. He got molds for my teeth. They were his smallest, supposedly I have a small mouth. He mixed the mold stuff, put it in the bottom mold first, then into my mouth for a minute. It wasn't bad at all. I've been told stories of gagging and stuff but I had no issues. I go back tomorrow for a fitting. If he's working this fast ill have my teeth by the end of next week.
I'm also excited with the progress of me and Joaquin. I just happened to open up Skype at like 2am before bed and he was online. We chatted for a few minutes and I told him I was happy we got to chat for a few minutes and he said he was too. Just makes me all giddy and even more excited for next weekend when we finally meet!!
I hope he's not disappointed and we get along well. Hoping for some PDA and at least one kiss!! Lmao Ok, gonna head off, I have another fitting for my teeth tomorrow.

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Crap weather
Cancer II
mymisery

Today the weather was crappy. Raining and chilly. Good thing, I talked to Joaquin for the longest time online yesterday. I think it's the most I've spoken with him. I also spoke with him when I got up. I'm hoping something comes out of this.
I got exciting news today. My little brother is coming home on leave next weekend!! So happy. He's on leave til the middle of July. I think he is going to tell me he is being deployed when he gets back. He said he was supposed to go back to Afghanistan this year but he didn't know when, so when he
texted me today, I asked him and he said he would talk to me when he got here. Gahhh, I hate him going over there.
Leafs played the Bruins tonight and forced game 6 on Sunday back in Toronto! It's do or die but the Leafs killed it tonight! Good game boys!!

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It begins...
Cancer II
mymisery

So I got the call today. The denturist got the approval from odsp and I am starting my denture process on Monday! He said I will be getting my impressions done. So it's off to Cloverdale Mall Monday. I've decided that I'm going early to renew my health card. Two birds, one stone!! Then after my mom gets her tooth pulled next week, we'll go back to Cloverdale to get her impressions done plus get her health card too. I'm getting her to get the picture one cause she still has the red and white one.
So busy, busy! Tomorrow groceries, Thursday physio, Monday denturist appt, Tuesday physio, Wednesday moms dentist appt, Thursday physio, Friday book wheel trans for the zoo. Holy, Mother's Day this weekend, the following Friday is the zoo and the 25th is the fundraiser and my date with Joaquin! Woot!
Leafs play tomorrow. I still have faith in them. Lets go Leafs!!

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High Park
Cancer II
mymisery

Today I went to High Park to check out the Cherry Blossoms. I've never been to see it before. Beautiful? Yes, but the friggen people on a Monday afternoon was ridiculous!! I felt like I was in China. I was surrounded by the stereotypical Asian with cameras around their necks. I have nothing against Asians, seeing as I was just dating one but Oh My God!! Also the slants and hilly parts were very hard for me. Going uphill is not an issue, it's downhill that scares me. There are parts of High Park that I saw today, I wish I would've explored before I got sick. Now that I'm very immobile and it's hard for me to hit my shutter button, I'm frustrated as hell!!! I want to enjoy taking pictures. I'm itching to do it but it's so fucking hard right now!! It's depressing. I can't get the angles I'm use too. I can't get as close to my subject or even hold my camera properly. I am hoping the zoo is a better experience for me.

Today was also Blue and White Day, made by our mayor to recognize our first home game, in the playoffs, in nine years! I wore my Leaf visor, socks, necklace, watch and my Leaf nails.
We lost tonight, which sucks but we'll come back. We have a decent team and Reimer is fantastic. He needs a little more effort from his defensemen though.

I'm excited. In a couple weeks I am going to a fundraiser to help a team who is walking for Autism Speaks. It's my friend Melanie and her son Lucas is Autistic. My cousin Mikey is Autistic, so the cause is close to my heart. But I'm also excited for the fundraiser because I'm having a first date that night. I've been talking to a guy named Joaquin. He's really nice. I met him on Plenty of Fish. He's just a couple years older than me. He has a house in Scarborough, a German Shepard named Karma and he's Spanish. He's going to York University and working. We've chatted on msn/Skype a couple times and video chatted once. He's nice enough and we seem to get a long. Hopefully this works out. It would be nice to have a boyfriend.
I'm also excited for my birthday. I talked to an old friend, Dave, the other day. I had a crush on him back in the late 80s. We hung out at camp one summer and the geek I am, wrote him a letter before I left. Funny thing is, almost 2 decades later, he still has the letter!! Damn, the one that slipped away. Lol Anyways, he's back in Toronto and we want to get together this summer, sooo I've invited him to my birthday and I'm trying to get Tati and family to go too. Try to get the old gang together again. All them and Joaquin will make it a Spanish festival! Dave, Tatiana and all her family are from Colombia and Joaquin is from Spain.
Actually I'm excited for summer in general. I'll have Pride, the Zoo, Niagara Falls, birthdays, the CNE and my dads trailer. Who else knows what else might come up, especially if Joaquin and I start seeing each other. It'll be cool cause our birthdays are only two weeks apart. We can party together!! Lol
Grrr, it's 1:11 am! I always seem to look at the clock when it's multiple digits, like 1:11, 2:22, etc. it's annoying!! Anyone know what it means?? If so, please share! Ok off to bed, I have physio tomorrow.

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TGH
Cancer II
mymisery

So today I had an appointment at Toronto General Hsp. While I was in the coma, they had me part of a research study. There is a doctor by the name of Margaret Herridge who found that majority of people complained that after a long ICU stay they never had the same quality of life again. So her intent is to build a rehab program for people who are kept in the ICU for a long period of time. So she follows ICU patients for a number of years and helps them with any doctors they may need. So I had to do a pulmonary function test today plus meet with an RN who works closely with the doctor. I learned some interesting things, like the hallucinations I had was really called delirium. And all my episodes had water in them or on boats and she said that was because the bed I was on tilts you in different directions to keep you from getting bed sores, like the rocking of a boat. She said this was a common occurance. I have to go back in July. One good thing is, they gave me $25 for doing it which I bought lunch with at Starbucks. I die for their frappacinos. I had the double chocolatey chip frapp. OMG, mmmm! So expensive but oh so worth it!!
I also learned that this is the most important time in my recovery and I really need to work harder. So I am going to sit and make a schedule of stuff I am going to do everyday. I'm going to do my own small routine at home everyday...even after physio. Seeing as physio isn't dealing with stairs, I need to add that in to my routine.
Well I better get my ass to bed, I have to get up early to go to the bank, then physio.

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Warmth!
Cancer II
mymisery

Today was gorgeous outside!! Woke up and my mom was sick. I wanted to head over to Dollarama but my mom usually helps me through the hole in the fence, it has two uneven steps. But I decided I need to start to do things on my own and I needed to go out in this gorgeous weather. Well I made it through the fence and across to Dollarama. I bought my moms Mothers Day gift and some hair dye. They actually sell Herbal Essence and Clairol hair dyes now! Plus I bought an imitation of Justin Biebers perfume. I love the smell. I then headed to Fresh Valu to get a couple things, then to Popeyes. I got their daily deal, 6 nuggets for $2.99. I asked for two orders and a biscuit and when I got home I had like 20 nuggets! It was fantastic. So when I started to go home I realised I would never make it back up those stairs in the hole in the fence, so I had to walk around. My feet hurt after. They've been bugging me lately. My good foot feels numb. I'll have to ask the doctor at my hospital appt on Monday. Ok off to bed!

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Spring is coming....
Cancer II
mymisery

Well today I had physio. I usually go every Tuesday and Thursday. My therapist has been working on my bad foot. I take off my brace and I use the wobble board. Basically a round board with half a ball underneath, so it wobbles. Then I use resistance bands, weights on my legs and squats. I also dip my bad hand in hot paraffin wax. It's suppose to help with circulation.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping and the bank. I'm really pinching my budget this month. I have a few things I'm doing, so money has to be put away. Mainly it's the zoo on the 17th to see the members only preview of Er Shun and Da Mao, our giant pandas. I'm very excited to get back to the zoo and to start shooting again. I still can't push the shutter button with my pointer finger. I don't have the strength. The other thing is a fundraiser for a friend who does a walk for Autism. Her son is autistic and she does this walk for the past few years. The fundraiser is at a legion. There is a DJ, dancing, food, drinks and raffles. All proceeds go to Autism research and the walk they do.

As for the dating scene, Internet dating is great but also sucks!! I met one guy off Plenty of Fish. His name is Greg and we talked for a bit online then he gave me his number and I called him. We talked on the phone for 4 hours!! We did this for 2 weeks. We talked for 4+ hours everyday plus texting everyday too. We finally met at ComiCon! He's a geek and I'm a geek at heart! Lol We spent a few hours there then we drove. We ended up in etobicoke and went to dinner at Canyon Creek. It was nice. Then he drove me home and we made out in my hallway for about 20 mins. After all that he decides he really isn't ready to date and just wants to be friends. He's really screwed from his last relationship. He still came to my moms birthday and we still talk once in a while. I'm talking to a guy named Joaquin right now. He seems so nice but he is super busy. He is going to school at York and working part time. He just is never around, makes me anxious. Trying to keep my cool and see what happens.
I'm actually shocked how understanding most guys are about my whole disability right now. So now because of all this, I'm trying to be all girly and do my nails colours I usually wouldn't do and I want a couple blue streaks in my hair, Leaf pride and all! ;)

Oh and TMI but I need to get laid!!! It's been like 15 years and I'm WAY overdo!! Lmao

Ok bedtime. The weather is suppose to be great this weekend. I need money incase I get to meet Joaquin soon! Eek!

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Long time....
Cancer II
mymisery

It has been a very long time since I've written anything here. I think I'm going to try again. I'm going to start with my recent illness.

Last year I was in a lot of pain. I was born with a disease called Emeliogenisis Imperfecta. It basically means I was born with no enamel on my teeth. Growing up I was always at dentists. One use to actually smack me if I cried. Crazy, right? I'm actually terrified of dentists now and for good reason. My teeth were always brown, crumbling. I always got white caps but they kept falling out, so eventually I gave up and stopped getting them put back in. So last year I was in a lot of pain. Infections in my teeth kept coming back. I was surviving on Tylenol 3s and they started to not work, so I would take the T3s and Advil together, then I was prescribed Perks. I finally went to a dentist. Decided to get all my teeth out, get 2 implants, then dentures. I saw a dental surgeon and had surgery planned.
One night I get these real bad stomach pains while I'm at work and I go home, then head to the ER. They tell me I had a bladder infection, yet I had no other symptoms and they send me home with antibiotics. 2 days later, after work, I go to sleep. I awake a few hours later and I am freezing. I can't get warm and I'm kind of gasping for breath. After trying for 10 minutes, I still couldn't get my breathing regulated and I wake my mom and get her to call 911. A few minutes later, roughly 5 paramedics show up at my house. They start asking me a million and one questions. Well supposedly I had a dangerously high fever of 40 degrees, which is enough to throw adults into seizures. They get me on a stretcher and give me some oxygen. By the time I get to the hospital my breathing was back to normal. They get me in a room and do blood tests and all that lovely stuff. They tell me they want to keep me the night. After a few hours, I'm put in a room. I am exhausted and my mom tells me to sleep. I doze off and wake up not being able to breathe again. I call my nurse and start freaking out. They give me oxygen and I can hear them talking saying if they can't regulate my breathing then they would have to intebate me. A respiratory therapist comes in and gives me a nebulizor mask, to help open up my lungs. After that, I truly remember nothing. Supposedly they had to intebate me and then they sent me to St.Mikes Hsp where I was kept in a medically induced coma for roughly 4 weeks. My body went septic, meaning there was an infection in my blood stream. I was riddled with high fever and infection. My organs started failing, my kidneys and liver. They did dialysis on my kidneys. They told my dad they may want to start planning my funeral. I had tubes everywhere, even coming out of my neck. They were getting ready to prep me for a trach in my neck but a more critical patient came in. Two days later I was out of the ICU.

That whole time I hallucinated. I thought the nurses and doctors were trying to kill me, Matrix style! Lol I also thought they were partying, getting drunk and having orgies after hours, in hospital. I also thought many family members died and thought my dads trailer burned down and that they blamed me. I can recollect all my hallucinations very vividly. But I do have some lucid recollections and one was the day of the Eaton Center shooting. I remember all the nurses complaining about how hard it was going to be to get home. Later I found out that they were calling a code Orange all day, which means no one can enter or leave the hospital.

When I woke up I was sent to Finch Site Hsp. I also couldn't move my arms or legs. This is called ICU Neuropathy. It's caused by the steroids they use to keep you in a coma. 1/3rd of patients, it happens too. So basically, I've had to learn to do everything again, walk, write, feed myself, go to the bathroom, everything. You have no dignity after that. I was in diapers for months. People had to wash me, clean me, feed me, wipe my ass. Did I say most of these nurses were like 25 years old. At first it took 5 nurses to change me. They needed them because I couldn't turn over or help myself. I remember every tube coming out. Breathing tube, feeding tube, catheter, rectal tube, gallbladder tube, pick line. I had it all.
They realised at some point that it was my teeth that caused my sepsis. So while I was there, they took out all my teeth.
I was in the Finch Site Hsp for roughly 7 months. I got to know all the nurses on the 6th floor. I consider some of them my friends. I was there for Christmas. I got a lot of pictures.
It was very hard being in there. I didn't have a lot of visitors. The same couple people always came. My mom, my dad and step mom and my best friend Shawna.
Shawna was there through everything. I was told she was by my side through everything. She would read the paper to me while I was in the coma, telling me how we were going to go to Niagara and do all these cool things. I don't know how I lucked out with her. She did everything for me. She brushed my hair, washed it, cut it. Did my nails, shaved my face, scrubbed my feet. She made my horrible situation into the best experience I could have while being trapped in my bed for months. No one seemed to understand but she did. Now when I see 'friends' they tell me how sorry they were that they couldn't find one day out of my 8 month hospital stay, to see me. It's awkward but they nice person I am, I say it's alright, I understand.
I don't understand. I don't understand how my so called friends didn't care enough to find a couple hours out of their mundane lives to visit me. No one really understands what I went through. People don't realize that they take the littlest things for granted. Like an itch. I couldn't move my arms to scratch one. I couldn't roll over unto my side. I couldn't lift my arms to get a drink or change the channel. I watched the food network for at least 2 months straight.
Now that I'm home. I have a brace on my right foot because I have no nerve activity in that foot and I can't control it, so it drops down constantly. I still have no real feeling in either foot. My right hand still doesn't work right. I can't make a fist and it's always cold. I have no balance. I walk with a walker outside of the house and in the house I look like a baby giraffe learning to walk. Lol

Good news. I lost almost 90lbs in hospital. I've actually started dating. I've never ever dated. I met Patrick when I was 15 and him 12 and we spent many years connected by the hip. I thought we were soul mates. Thought wrong but that's another story.
I've had my first real kiss and I'm actually enjoying dating, no matter how frustrating and scarey. I've lived through a lot, this is no biggie!
Well I'm leaving this here. Boy that was a lot. I have physio tomorrow and groceries Friday. I'll update again real soon.

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WOW, so long?
Cancer II
mymisery
I can't believe that I haven't written since January?? I guess a lot has happened. My cat Meow ended up having surgery on her ear and then just a couple weeks ago, her kidneys were failing and we had to put her to sleep. It was very sad and very sudden. I now have my 21 year old cat here and we have to put her to sleep soon. She won't clean herself anymore. She hasn't in a very long time and is very matted and has big clumps everywhere. She is deaf and starting to pee on the couch. We've had to put green garbage bags or plastic on the couches under her. So it is time for her to go. All she does is eat and sleep and meow very very loud.

I have been very stressed out lately because I am having a bad money year. I am trying to save because on August 3rd I am going to Disney World for 7 days. I am not worried about that money cause I already have $300 put away and all I need it for is souveneirs and stuff. But I have my birthday coming up, fathers day and stuff like that. Just trying to get bills paid and things done.

Met up with A LOT of old friends and aqaintances on facebook. People I thought I would never see again. It's quite a cool place. Well I am going to leave this here. I will be sure to update again soon!

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Cancer II
mymisery
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